1. PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CAN OPENER. Trust me on this shit. Just look at the sugar content in that canned cranberry crap THEN check the serving size. GODDAMN RIGHT?! You and your loved ones deserve better than that red ribbed corn syrup.

    HOMEMADE CRANBERRY SAUCE

    12 ounces of fresh or frozen whole cranberries (a little over 3 cups)

    ½ cup water

    ¼ cup orange juice (use the juice of one orange or straight outta the carton, your call I don’t give a fuck)

    3-4 tablespoons brown sugar

    1 lemon

    1 tablespoon bourbon (optional but I already know how you celebrate holidays)

    Take a sharp ass knife and cut a sliver of the skin off the lemon about the size and length of your pointer finger. Just try not to get too much of the white part underneath the yellow skin because that shit can be pretty fucking bitter. Add the lemon zest slice and the rest of the ingredients to a medium saucepan and bring them to a gentle simmer over a medium heat. If you like your sauce a little sweeter, add the extra tablespoon of sugar but this bitch will be nice and tart either way. You will hear the cranberries start to burst which might be fucking confusing but it’s fine. Calm your shit. Maybe sip some of that bourbon. Stir every now and then but you want to keep that motherfucker bubbling until most of berries have burst and the sauce is starting to thicken up, about 10-12 minutes. Pull out the piece of lemon zest and let the sauce cool before serving. It will get thicker as it cools. You can cut some more lemon zest and garnish that motherfucker. Make it look all fancy and shit. Your guests will be like “Damn. You see that zest?”

    Serves 4-6 as a sauce. Put it on whateverthefuck you want.

     
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