1. BUFFALO HAVE BALLS NOT WINGS, so you know this meal is legit. These spicy sons of bitches are high in heat but low in fat because they’re baked not fried. So grab a cold drink and a fist full of celery, YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING NEED ‘EM.




    1 ½ cups cooked chickpeas or 1- 15 ounce can, rinsed

    1/3 pound of cauliflower

    ¼ cup diced onion (yellow, white, red, whatever)

    1-2 cloves of garlic

    1 teaspoon olive oil

    ½ teaspoon all-purpose seasoning blend (The no-salt blends are best because you can add that salt shit later in small amounts)

    2 tablespoons breadcrumbs


    2 tablespoons olive oil

    2 tablespoons flour (Whole-wheat flour works here so does brown rice flour. Use whatever)

    1 cup cayenne based hot sauce

    ¼ cup water

    1 tablespoon vinegar (Apple cider vinegar is my favorite here but white vinegar would work too. Use what you got)

    For the falafel: Heat the oven to 400 degrees. Lightly spray some oil on a baking sheet. Chopped the cauliflower up into small pieces. Throw it in a food processor and run that shit until the pieces of cauliflower kind of look like rice. If you don’t have a food processor then just chop that shit up as small as you can. Mash the fuck out of the chickpeas in a medium bowl until they form a paste. Chop the garlic up into small pieces. Add the cauliflower, onion, garlic, oil, seasoning blend, and breadcrumbs to the chickpeas and mix that shit up. If your seasoning blend didn’t have salt in it, now you can add a pinch of salt to that motherfucker. The mixture should easily form into balls. If it is too fucking dry, add a little water. No stress. Form the mixture into balls a little bigger than a ping pong ball. Throw the balls on the baking sheet and bake them for 20-25 minutes, flipping them sons of bitches half way through. Remember to set a timer so that you don’t burn the shit out of them. Both sides should be nice and golden. While the falafel bake, make the buffalo sauce.

    For the buffalo sauce: In a small saucepan, heat the oil over a medium-low heat. Add the flour and stir constantly until the flour starts to look golden and smell kinda toasted. A few bubbles are cool but this shouldn’t look like it’s boiling. This shit takes about 4 minutes if you got your heat right. Add half the hot sauce and stir until it is all mixed. The flour should make that shit thicken up a bit. Add the rest of the hot sauce, water, and vinegar and stir until it is all mixed up. Turn off the heat.

    When the falafel are done cooking, push them gently to the center of the baking sheet and put ¾ of the buffalo sauce on them. Bake that shit for like 5 extra minutes so that the falafel absorbs that sauce. Pour the extra sauce over them when they get out of the oven or whenever you eat them.

    You can serve these spicy bastards in pita bread, on top of a salad, or howeverthefuck you want. I recommend some celery sticks to cool your ass down. Or fuck it. Go hard. Breathe fire. Frighten the villagers.

    Makes about 12 falafel


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