1. Next time someone tells you to eat more veggies, get down on these tiny motherfuckers. These low fat, high fiber sons of bitches are healthy as shit without sacrificing flavor. Trying to eat better? START WITH A FUCKING BURGER.


    2 cups chopped fresh spinach

    1 cup chopped onion

    3 cups cooked kidney beans or 2-15 ounce can

    1/2 cup cooked brown rice (use leftovers)

    4 cloves of garlic, chopped all small and shit

    1 tablespoon liquid smoke (like I said, it is near the BBQ sauce at the store I swear. You haven’t even looked yet so stop complaining. It is there)

    2 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari

    1 tablespoon smoked paprika

    2 teaspoons oregano

    1 ½ teaspoons ground cumin        

    black pepper to taste

    1/2 cup whole wheat breadcrumbs (any breadcrumbs you have are fine. Got nothing? Just toast up some bread until it is almost burnt looking and real dry then grate them shits or put them in a food processor to get some tiny fucking crumbs. They help soak up all the liquid so don’t leave this shit out)


    Warm the oven to 375 degrees and lightly grease a large baking sheet. You can throw down some foil and then grease it if you are a lazy fuck like me and hate doing dishes.


    Add the spinach and onion to a food processor and pulse until they are in tiny-ass pieces. Add the kidney beans, rice, garlic, liquid smoke, soy sauce, and seasonings and pulse until everything is all mixed up. It’s fine if a few larger pieces of the beans hang around but you want this looking like kinda paste-like. Place the bean-spinach mixture into a medium bowl and add in the fucking breadcrumbs. This should be slightly sticky and hold nicely when you form it into a ball. If it is too wet, add more breadcrumbs. Taste it and add more spices and whatever until it tastes good to you. Can’t do that shit with ground beef.


    No food processor? It’s all good. Just cut up the spinach and the onion extra tiny and add everything but breadcrumbs to a big bowl. Now pound on that shit until it looks like chunky mash potatoes. Then add the breadcrumbs and do all the other shit I say above.


    Divide the mixture into 16 patties if you are making sliders or 8 patties if you are making regular burgers. Whateverthefuck you want to do. Place them on the baking sheet, spray them lightly with oil (slow your roll, I said LIGHTLY) and bake for 15 minutes or until the bottom is a crispy golden brown. Flip the patties and bake for 15 or until both sides look awesome. If you are doing full size burgers you might need to let the sides go 5 extra minutes. Let them cool for a few minutes before serving. Pile them high with red onion, avocado, whatever additional deliciousness you’ve got and chow the fuck down.


    Makes 16 sliders or 8 regular patties


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