1. FUCK PUTTING A TEALIGHT IN A PUMPKIN. I’M BATMAN, BITCH. Want a bomb ass jack-o-lantern like this shit?

    • Get yourself a fucking pumpkin. The bigger, the better.
    • Carve it up any way you goddamn well please. If you want, set aside the pumpkin seeds to roast them later. They’re tasty as hell and makes your house smell like a fucking Yankee Candle. Just make sure when you carve the lid that the opening is large enough to fit a roll of toilet paper.
    • When you’re done carving your shit, soak an entire roll of toilet paper in kerosene (or lighter fluid). I recommend placing the roll of TP in a bucket outside in the shade with plenty of ventilation (remember, this shit is combustible). Pour about  1½ - 2 cups of kerosene over the TP. Any excess fluid that pools at the bottom will absorb within ten minutes or so.

    • When the sun goes down, place the soaked TP roll inside the pumpkin and torch that fucker. The TP will burn slow and flames can get up to 4 feet high. Leave the lid off the pumpkin for fuck’s sake. 

    DON’T BE A FUCKING DUMBASS. If you’re stupid enough to try this shit without taking proper safety precautions, then I hope you catch fire too. Some safety tips:

    • Before you light the pumpkin, hose the surrounding area with water.
    • Once lit, keep a safe distance of 10 feet or so. BACK THE FUCK UP, it’s not a campfire. 
    • When everyone is done instagramming this shit and you’re ready to extinguish the fire, use sand or dirt. You can keep a hose or bucket of water nearby but spraying a flaming pumpkin with water could splash kerosene out of the pumpkin and then you got some serious fucking problems that involve your local fire department.
    • Remember, a safe thug is a happy thug.
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    I’m ready for next All Hallow’s now.
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    HELL YEAH. NEXT year. Just wait…
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    Next year.
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