1. I’m so goddamn tired of seeing sweet potatoes being served under an inch of marshmallows and butter. EVERY. FUCKING. FALL. Don’t you realize there are vitamins in these naturally sweet sons of bitches? The beta-carotene in them alone will help keep your skin looking right and vision on point. What the fuck is the marshmallow fluff doing for you? NOT A GODDAMN THING.

    SWEET POTATO CHICKPEA WRAPS

    2 medium sweet potatoes, about 2 pounds

    1 medium onion, sliced

    3 cups cooked chickpeas or 2-15 ounce cans

    1 medium apple

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    2 tablespoons water or broth

    2 tablespoons lemon juice

    2 teaspoons tamari or soy sauce

    1 ½ teaspoons smoked paprika

    ¾ teaspoon dried thyme

    cayenne pepper to taste

     

    1 tablespoon olive oil

    2 teaspoons water

    pinch of salt

    tortillas (any kind you like, I don’t give a shit)

    Chop up the sweet potatoes into pieces about the size of a quarter. I keep the skin on them because I’m lazy as fuck but if you can’t hang, skin them sons of bitches. Place them in a steamer basket over a couple of inches of water on the stove and steam for about 15 minutes or until you can easily stab those fuckers with a fork. Turn off the heat and keep them covered.

    While the potatoes are steaming, slice the onion into strips. Warm up the 2 teaspoons of oil in a large skillet or wok over a medium-low heat and add the onions. Cook them until they start to brown, about 8 minutes. Mix together the water, lemon juice, and tamari in a small glass. Add the chickpeas to the onions, mix well, and then add that small glass of liquid you just fucking made. Cook for a minute or two until most of the liquid as evaporated. Add the herbs and spices and cook that shit for another minute. Turn off the heat.

    Put the steamed sweet potatoes in a large bowl and add the remaining oil, water, and salt. Gently mash. I usually keep it chunky because well, again, I’m lazy as fuck. So when you are done with the sweet potatoes, cut up the apple into little sticks. You can squeeze a little lemon juice on those bastards so they don’t brown. Now you are ready to wrap all that shit up. Smear some of the sweet potatoes on the tortilla, add the cooked chickpeas and onions, spinach or whatever greens you got, and some of the chopped up apple. Trust me on this shit. The apple adds a delicious fucking crunch. You could even add hummus to this motherfucker if you wanted. There are no rules in the wrap game. Wrap it up and enjoy. Don’t have tortillas for a wrap? You could throw all of this in a bowl with some rice or quinoa and go to town. Use what you got.

    Makes 4 big wraps

     

  2. YOU NEED TO EAT SOME GODDAMN BREAKFAST. Thug Kitchen and Cooking Comically teamed up to serve your ass some peach pancakes. We also wanted to say congratu-fuckin-lations to Tyler for his upcoming cookbook dropping October 1st. I can’t wait to read that shit.

     

  3. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE FUCKING WINNERS and thanks to everyone who sent in their crazy ass stories. We received a shitload of submissions. There were lots of other stories that were so good we’ll have to send y’all some shit even though we couldn’t post your drama. So keep an eye on your inbox.


    Didn’t win a goddamn thing? RELAX MOTHERFUCKER. We had such a great time with this contest that we are already thinking about the next one because y’all are some entertaining sons of bitches.

     

  4. Trying to feed a big ass crowd for the football game? DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH SOME CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY SODIUM SOUP. Serve your guests this gridiron grub and give those bastards protein, fiber, and a full stomach all on the cheap. Sneak some veggies in that motherfucker like zucchini, peppers, and carrots and nobody will taste the goddamn difference because you’re a nutritional ninja.

    BEAN & BEER CHILI

    1 medium onion

    2 medium bell peppers

    1 zucchini

    2 carrots

    4 cloves of garlic

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    4 tablespoons chili powder

    1 1/2 teaspoons cumin

    1 teaspoon oregano

    1 teaspoon smoked paprika

    ½ teaspoon salt

    1 cup of beer (I like to use a stout but use whateverthefuck you got)

    3 tablespoons tomato paste

    28 ounce can of diced tomatoes (check the label, avoid the fucking salt if you can)

    1 cup vegetable broth or water

    1 ½ cups of cooked or 1-15  ounce can of each: pinto, kidney, and black beans (you can use whatever beans you got but I like using 3 different kinds because variety is the shit)

    1 ½ cups hominy (precooked or canned) or corn kernels (optional)

    juice of ½ a lemon or 1 lime

    2 teaspoons of brown sugar (also fucking optional)

    Chop up the onion, bell peppers, zucchini, and carrots into pieces no bigger than a motherfucking bean. Dice up the garlic all small and shit. Grab a big ass pot and heat up the olive oil over a medium heat. Add the onions and cook them until they start to look a little brown, about 5-8 minutes. Add the bell peppers, zucchini, and carrots and cook for another 5 minutes. Add the garlic, chili powder, cumin, oregano, paprika, and salt and cook for another minute. By now, your whole place should start smelling good enough to make the fucking neighbors jealous. Add the beer, tomato paste, diced tomatoes, and broth then scrap any spice shit that started sticking to the bottom of the pot.  Let that all simmer together for 5 minutes. There should some beer left in the can, sip that shit while you’re waiting.

    Now add the beans (and the hominy if you opted for this dopeness). Stir everything and turn down the heat to medium low. Slap on a lid and let that simmer for about 30 minutes. Set a timer if your ass is easily distracted like me. After the 30 minutes, stir it around and if you still want a thicker chili take off the lid and let it simmer for another 10-15 minutes. When the chili looks legit by your standards, add the lemon juice then taste that motherfucker. Depending on the brand of tomatoes you got, you might need to add some brown sugar to balance the taste out. Taste again and see if it needs more chili powder or salt. Throw in some cayenne pepper if you like that shit hot. Serve warm and lay out some fresh toppings like red onion, jalapenos, and cilantro.  

    Makes one big fucking pot, enough to serve 6 people easy

     

     

  5. Tell your problems to wait until normal business hours for bullshit because YOU NEED A FUCKING DAY OFF.  But don’t ruin a good time by using tonic that has fucking corn syrup. That sweet syrupy shit will ruin the taste and your waist.  

     

    ENDLESS SUMMER GIN AND TONIC

    6 ounces tonic water (check the label - don’t buy any of that corn syrup bullshit)

    3 ounces gin

    1 tablespoon fresh or frozen blueberries

    2 basil leaves

    juice of ¼ of a lime

    -or-

    6 ounces tonic water

    3 ounces gin

    4 slices of cucumber

    1 inch of fresh rosemary

    juice of ¼ of a lime

    Throw the blueberries and basil (or cucumber and rosemary) in the bottom of a glass with the lime juice. Mash that shit around with the handle of a wooden spoon or some other blunt object. No need to go Incredible Hulk on this shit, just lightly grind them around a couple of times to release some fucking flavor. Add the gin and tonic and stir. Drop some ice cubes in that bitch and kick your fucking feet up.

    Makes 1 dope ass drink

     

  6. WHO WANTS SOME GODDAMN DESSERT? Frozen bananas are legit treats that can make you feel like you’re at the boardwalk even if you’re just standing in front of an oscillating fan in your apartment. USE YOUR IMAGINATION MOTHERFUCKER. Make some of these with the kids, they love that shit. Whether you let them read my recipe or not, that’s on you.

     

    FROZEN BANANA POPS

    8 popsicle sticks

    4 bananas

    1 cup of semisweet chocolate chips

    1 teaspoon of coconut oil (optional)

    ½ cup of roasted nuts (I used peanuts but use whateverthefuck you like)

    Line a baking sheet or a big ass plate with wax paper or parchment. Peel the bananas and cut them in half widthwise. Stick the popsicle stick up the banana from the flat cut side. Just make sure you don’t poke a fucking hole through the other side of the banana.  Put them all on the baking sheet and let them hang out for a minute. Chop up the nuts all small and put them in a bowl.

    So you can melt the chocolate by either slowly heating that shit in the microwave in 25 second increments and stirring in between until it is melted. OR you can do how I do and build a double boiler like a fucking boss. Grab a medium saucepan and fill that bastard with an inch or 2 of water. Throw an all metal bowl on top of that and make sure the whole mouth of the pan is covered and that the water inside isn’t touching the bottom of the bowl. Put this over a medium-low heat and put the chocolate chips in the bowl. The steam will melt those fuckers, just keep stirring the chocolate. When the chocolate looks all smooth turn off the heat. This should whole process should take about 3 minutes.

    Grab a banana and gently dip it into the chocolate and spoon the chocolate over to cover any holes. If your having trouble doing it, stir in the oil while the chocolate is still hot and it will loosen that bitch up. Drip off the excess chocolate and sprinkle it with a small handful of the nuts (or coconut flakes, sprinkles, whatthefuckever). Put it down on the baking sheet and repeat with the rest of the bananas. Freeze the pops on the tray for at least 3 hours before serving.

    Makes 8 badass banana pops