1. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE FUCKING WINNERS and thanks to everyone who sent in their crazy ass stories. We received a shitload of submissions. There were lots of other stories that were so good we’ll have to send y’all some shit even though we couldn’t post your drama. So keep an eye on your inbox.


    Didn’t win a goddamn thing? RELAX MOTHERFUCKER. We had such a great time with this contest that we are already thinking about the next one because y’all are some entertaining sons of bitches.

     

  2. Trying to feed a big ass crowd for the football game? DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH SOME CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY SODIUM SOUP. Serve your guests this gridiron grub and give those bastards protein, fiber, and a full stomach all on the cheap. Sneak some veggies in that motherfucker like zucchini, peppers, and carrots and nobody will taste the goddamn difference because you’re a nutritional ninja.

    BEAN & BEER CHILI

    1 medium onion

    2 medium bell peppers

    1 zucchini

    2 carrots

    4 cloves of garlic

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    4 tablespoons chili powder

    1 1/2 teaspoons cumin

    1 teaspoon oregano

    1 teaspoon smoked paprika

    ½ teaspoon salt

    1 cup of beer (I like to use a stout but use whateverthefuck you got)

    3 tablespoons tomato paste

    28 ounce can of diced tomatoes (check the label, avoid the fucking salt if you can)

    1 cup vegetable broth or water

    1 ½ cups of cooked or 1-15  ounce can of each: pinto, kidney, and black beans (you can use whatever beans you got but I like using 3 different kinds because variety is the shit)

    1 ½ cups hominy (precooked or canned) or corn kernels (optional)

    juice of ½ a lemon or 1 lime

    2 teaspoons of brown sugar (also fucking optional)

    Chop up the onion, bell peppers, zucchini, and carrots into pieces no bigger than a motherfucking bean. Dice up the garlic all small and shit. Grab a big ass pot and heat up the olive oil over a medium heat. Add the onions and cook them until they start to look a little brown, about 5-8 minutes. Add the bell peppers, zucchini, and carrots and cook for another 5 minutes. Add the garlic, chili powder, cumin, oregano, paprika, and salt and cook for another minute. By now, your whole place should start smelling good enough to make the fucking neighbors jealous. Add the beer, tomato paste, diced tomatoes, and broth then scrap any spice shit that started sticking to the bottom of the pot.  Let that all simmer together for 5 minutes. There should some beer left in the can, sip that shit while you’re waiting.

    Now add the beans (and the hominy if you opted for this dopeness). Stir everything and turn down the heat to medium low. Slap on a lid and let that simmer for about 30 minutes. Set a timer if your ass is easily distracted like me. After the 30 minutes, stir it around and if you still want a thicker chili take off the lid and let it simmer for another 10-15 minutes. When the chili looks legit by your standards, add the lemon juice then taste that motherfucker. Depending on the brand of tomatoes you got, you might need to add some brown sugar to balance the taste out. Taste again and see if it needs more chili powder or salt. Throw in some cayenne pepper if you like that shit hot. Serve warm and lay out some fresh toppings like red onion, jalapenos, and cilantro.  

    Makes one big fucking pot, enough to serve 6 people easy

     

     

  3. Tell your problems to wait until normal business hours for bullshit because YOU NEED A FUCKING DAY OFF.  But don’t ruin a good time by using tonic that has fucking corn syrup. That sweet syrupy shit will ruin the taste and your waist.  

     

    ENDLESS SUMMER GIN AND TONIC

    6 ounces tonic water (check the label - don’t buy any of that corn syrup bullshit)

    3 ounces gin

    1 tablespoon fresh or frozen blueberries

    2 basil leaves

    juice of ¼ of a lime

    -or-

    6 ounces tonic water

    3 ounces gin

    4 slices of cucumber

    1 inch of fresh rosemary

    juice of ¼ of a lime

    Throw the blueberries and basil (or cucumber and rosemary) in the bottom of a glass with the lime juice. Mash that shit around with the handle of a wooden spoon or some other blunt object. No need to go Incredible Hulk on this shit, just lightly grind them around a couple of times to release some fucking flavor. Add the gin and tonic and stir. Drop some ice cubes in that bitch and kick your fucking feet up.

    Makes 1 dope ass drink

     

  4. WHO WANTS SOME GODDAMN DESSERT? Frozen bananas are legit treats that can make you feel like you’re at the boardwalk even if you’re just standing in front of an oscillating fan in your apartment. USE YOUR IMAGINATION MOTHERFUCKER. Make some of these with the kids, they love that shit. Whether you let them read my recipe or not, that’s on you.

     

    FROZEN BANANA POPS

    8 popsicle sticks

    4 bananas

    1 cup of semisweet chocolate chips

    1 teaspoon of coconut oil (optional)

    ½ cup of roasted nuts (I used peanuts but use whateverthefuck you like)

    Line a baking sheet or a big ass plate with wax paper or parchment. Peel the bananas and cut them in half widthwise. Stick the popsicle stick up the banana from the flat cut side. Just make sure you don’t poke a fucking hole through the other side of the banana.  Put them all on the baking sheet and let them hang out for a minute. Chop up the nuts all small and put them in a bowl.

    So you can melt the chocolate by either slowly heating that shit in the microwave in 25 second increments and stirring in between until it is melted. OR you can do how I do and build a double boiler like a fucking boss. Grab a medium saucepan and fill that bastard with an inch or 2 of water. Throw an all metal bowl on top of that and make sure the whole mouth of the pan is covered and that the water inside isn’t touching the bottom of the bowl. Put this over a medium-low heat and put the chocolate chips in the bowl. The steam will melt those fuckers, just keep stirring the chocolate. When the chocolate looks all smooth turn off the heat. This should whole process should take about 3 minutes.

    Grab a banana and gently dip it into the chocolate and spoon the chocolate over to cover any holes. If your having trouble doing it, stir in the oil while the chocolate is still hot and it will loosen that bitch up. Drip off the excess chocolate and sprinkle it with a small handful of the nuts (or coconut flakes, sprinkles, whatthefuckever). Put it down on the baking sheet and repeat with the rest of the bananas. Freeze the pops on the tray for at least 3 hours before serving.

    Makes 8 badass banana pops

     

  5. Today is Thug Kitchen’s one-year anniversary and we want to say thank you. Every day we are slammed with support from people all over the world sharing their appreciation, personal stories, and enthusiasm for good fucking food. It’s inspiring as fuck and to show our gratitude for y’all supporting us we want to give away some shit to help your ass in the kitchen. That’s right. IT’S OUR PARTY AND YOU GET THE FUCKING PRESENTS. How do you like that shit?

    One Grand Prize Winner: An 8 inch Shun Classic Chef’s Knife. This knife is so legit it will even cut your prep time, making you one efficient fucker in the kitchen. It’s so sharp you’ll wonder how the hell you ever cooked without it. 

    Three Runner Ups: Silpat Non Stick Baking Mats. Sticking can be a real pain in the ass when you’re baking. Forget using a bunch of oil or tin foil and try these sweet motherfuckers. Bake some cookies. Roast some goddamn veggies. I don’t give a shit what you use it for. These help avoid sticky messes and are also easy as hell to clean.

    Send us an email contest@thugkitchen.com with your craziest true story (honor system, motherfuckers) about a time you were breaking bread with someone and shit got weird real quick. Maybe somebody served you some bizarre shit. Maybe you fucked up dinner and tried to cover your ass. Whatever. Dazzle us and whoever has the best fucking story will have our sympathies and be crowned champ. Please keep your story under 300 words; don’t make us read a goddamn essay. Winners and their stories will be announced next Friday, September 6.

    We wouldn’t just give away some random shit that we haven’t tried. So that being said, trust that we not only use these items but WE FUCKING LOVE THEM; no doubt you will too. I bought the prizes myself so these are my fucking opinions and not a paid advertisement for any of these brands. Shit, they probably don’t even know about Thug Kitchen. Yet.

     

  6. Eggplant is abundant as fuck this time of year so you can buy them on the cheap. Not sure what the hell to do with an eggplant? Grab that Grimace-looking son of a bitch and roast the shit out of it so you can whip together this dope dip. Stow those prepackaged sad excuses for a snack and GET FUCKING SERIOUS.

    SMOKEY EGGPLANT DIP

    1 medium sized eggplant (about 2 ½ pounds)

    2 tablespoons lemon juice

    2 tablespoons olive oil (you can use tahini* here instead of the oil but depending on where you live that shit might be hard to find so don’t stress)

    2-3 cloves of garlic, chopped

    1 ¼ teaspoons chili powder

    ½ teaspoon salt

    2 tablespoons chopped parsley

    First you need to roast the fucking eggplant. You can do this shit one of two ways. 1. You can grill the whole motherfucker over a medium heat (300 degrees). Rotate it occasionally until all the sides are black and it start collapsing in on it self like a deflated football. This will take about 25-30 minutes. OR 2. Heat your oven up to 375 degrees, put your eggplant on a baking sheet, and roast it whole for 20-30 minutes until you can poke a knife through it like soft butter. Whatever method you choose, just be sure to stab the eggplant with a fork a couple times before you cook it so the steam escapes without that purple fucker falling apart on you.

    When the eggplant has cooled down a bit, cut that shit in half. Scoop out all the flesh using a spoon and toss it right in the food processor or blender. Add all the rest of the ingredients except the parsley and run that fucking machine until the eggplant looks nice and smooth. Throw in the parsley and run the machine for a couple extra seconds so that it gets a little chopped up and mixed in. If you don’t mind your dips a little chunky, you could skip the food processor and just mash all of this shit around in a bowl with a fork; just chop the garlic smaller. Taste the dip and add more of whateverthefuck you think it needs so that it taste right to you. More lemon? More garlic? More chili powder? Do whatever. I don’t give a fuck. Serve it warm or cold. It keeps in the fridge for at least 5 days.

    Makes enough for 4 people to snack on

    *What in the fuck is ‘tahini’? It’s a paste made from sesame seeds and used for tons of badass dishes. Think peanut butter but with sesame seeds.