1. WHO WANTS SOME GODDAMN DESSERT? Frozen bananas are legit treats that can make you feel like you’re at the boardwalk even if you’re just standing in front of an oscillating fan in your apartment. USE YOUR IMAGINATION MOTHERFUCKER. Make some of these with the kids, they love that shit. Whether you let them read my recipe or not, that’s on you.

     

    FROZEN BANANA POPS

    8 popsicle sticks

    4 bananas

    1 cup of semisweet chocolate chips

    1 teaspoon of coconut oil (optional)

    ½ cup of roasted nuts (I used peanuts but use whateverthefuck you like)

    Line a baking sheet or a big ass plate with wax paper or parchment. Peel the bananas and cut them in half widthwise. Stick the popsicle stick up the banana from the flat cut side. Just make sure you don’t poke a fucking hole through the other side of the banana.  Put them all on the baking sheet and let them hang out for a minute. Chop up the nuts all small and put them in a bowl.

    So you can melt the chocolate by either slowly heating that shit in the microwave in 25 second increments and stirring in between until it is melted. OR you can do how I do and build a double boiler like a fucking boss. Grab a medium saucepan and fill that bastard with an inch or 2 of water. Throw an all metal bowl on top of that and make sure the whole mouth of the pan is covered and that the water inside isn’t touching the bottom of the bowl. Put this over a medium-low heat and put the chocolate chips in the bowl. The steam will melt those fuckers, just keep stirring the chocolate. When the chocolate looks all smooth turn off the heat. This should whole process should take about 3 minutes.

    Grab a banana and gently dip it into the chocolate and spoon the chocolate over to cover any holes. If your having trouble doing it, stir in the oil while the chocolate is still hot and it will loosen that bitch up. Drip off the excess chocolate and sprinkle it with a small handful of the nuts (or coconut flakes, sprinkles, whatthefuckever). Put it down on the baking sheet and repeat with the rest of the bananas. Freeze the pops on the tray for at least 3 hours before serving.

    Makes 8 badass banana pops

     

  2. Today is Thug Kitchen’s one-year anniversary and we want to say thank you. Every day we are slammed with support from people all over the world sharing their appreciation, personal stories, and enthusiasm for good fucking food. It’s inspiring as fuck and to show our gratitude for y’all supporting us we want to give away some shit to help your ass in the kitchen. That’s right. IT’S OUR PARTY AND YOU GET THE FUCKING PRESENTS. How do you like that shit?

    One Grand Prize Winner: An 8 inch Shun Classic Chef’s Knife. This knife is so legit it will even cut your prep time, making you one efficient fucker in the kitchen. It’s so sharp you’ll wonder how the hell you ever cooked without it. 

    Three Runner Ups: Silpat Non Stick Baking Mats. Sticking can be a real pain in the ass when you’re baking. Forget using a bunch of oil or tin foil and try these sweet motherfuckers. Bake some cookies. Roast some goddamn veggies. I don’t give a shit what you use it for. These help avoid sticky messes and are also easy as hell to clean.

    Send us an email contest@thugkitchen.com with your craziest true story (honor system, motherfuckers) about a time you were breaking bread with someone and shit got weird real quick. Maybe somebody served you some bizarre shit. Maybe you fucked up dinner and tried to cover your ass. Whatever. Dazzle us and whoever has the best fucking story will have our sympathies and be crowned champ. Please keep your story under 300 words; don’t make us read a goddamn essay. Winners and their stories will be announced next Friday, September 6.

    We wouldn’t just give away some random shit that we haven’t tried. So that being said, trust that we not only use these items but WE FUCKING LOVE THEM; no doubt you will too. I bought the prizes myself so these are my fucking opinions and not a paid advertisement for any of these brands. Shit, they probably don’t even know about Thug Kitchen. Yet.

     

  3. Eggplant is abundant as fuck this time of year so you can buy them on the cheap. Not sure what the hell to do with an eggplant? Grab that Grimace-looking son of a bitch and roast the shit out of it so you can whip together this dope dip. Stow those prepackaged sad excuses for a snack and GET FUCKING SERIOUS.

    SMOKEY EGGPLANT DIP

    1 medium sized eggplant (about 2 ½ pounds)

    2 tablespoons lemon juice

    2 tablespoons olive oil (you can use tahini* here instead of the oil but depending on where you live that shit might be hard to find so don’t stress)

    2-3 cloves of garlic, chopped

    1 ¼ teaspoons chili powder

    ½ teaspoon salt

    2 tablespoons chopped parsley

    First you need to roast the fucking eggplant. You can do this shit one of two ways. 1. You can grill the whole motherfucker over a medium heat (300 degrees). Rotate it occasionally until all the sides are black and it start collapsing in on it self like a deflated football. This will take about 25-30 minutes. OR 2. Heat your oven up to 375 degrees, put your eggplant on a baking sheet, and roast it whole for 20-30 minutes until you can poke a knife through it like soft butter. Whatever method you choose, just be sure to stab the eggplant with a fork a couple times before you cook it so the steam escapes without that purple fucker falling apart on you.

    When the eggplant has cooled down a bit, cut that shit in half. Scoop out all the flesh using a spoon and toss it right in the food processor or blender. Add all the rest of the ingredients except the parsley and run that fucking machine until the eggplant looks nice and smooth. Throw in the parsley and run the machine for a couple extra seconds so that it gets a little chopped up and mixed in. If you don’t mind your dips a little chunky, you could skip the food processor and just mash all of this shit around in a bowl with a fork; just chop the garlic smaller. Taste the dip and add more of whateverthefuck you think it needs so that it taste right to you. More lemon? More garlic? More chili powder? Do whatever. I don’t give a fuck. Serve it warm or cold. It keeps in the fridge for at least 5 days.

    Makes enough for 4 people to snack on

    *What in the fuck is ‘tahini’? It’s a paste made from sesame seeds and used for tons of badass dishes. Think peanut butter but with sesame seeds.

     

  4. GARBANZO BEANS. CHICKPEAS. WHATEVERTHEFUCK YOU WANT TO CALL THEM. These tiny bastards are filled to the brim with protein, fiber, iron, folate, B-6, magnesium, and all kinds of other boss nutritious shit that your body needs on the daily. If you’re short on time or feeling lazy you can buy them already cooked in a can. They’re less than a fucking dollar. Try them as a sandwich filling, blended up to make hummus, or roasted and wrapped into a burrito. I mean shit, you can use this recipe as a dip or toss it on top of salad. Chickpeas are versatile as fuck.

    CHICKPEA PESTO SANDWICH

    Pesto:

    1 ¼ cup torn, packed basil leaves

    1/3 cup slivered or sliced almonds

    2 tablespoons olive oil

    2 tablespoons water

    1 tablespoon lemon juice

    ½ teaspoon lemon zest

    ½ teaspoon salt

    2-3 cloves of garlic, chopped

     

    1 ½ cups cooked chickpeas (or one 15 ounce can)

    1 carrot

    Put all the ingredients for the pesto in a food processor and blend until smooth-ish. No food processor? Chill the fuck out. Just put the almonds in a plastic bag and smash them until they are tiny and chop the rest of that shit up super small too. Mix all of it together with a fork until it looks like a paste.

    Mash up the chickpeas in a medium bowl so that they kind of look like a paste but some chunks of bean are all good. Grate the carrot into the bowl and mix that shit together with the chickpea paste. Add about a ⅓ cup of the pesto and stir until everything is coated then taste. Maybe you like more pesto than me, I don’t fucking know. Add some more until your ass is happy with it. Grab some of your favorite sammie ingredients and add SANDWICH ARTIST to your fucking resume.

    Makes 3 legit sandwiches


     

  5. If you’ve gone all summer without drinking a single slushie, take the rest of the day off and whip up this refreshing motherfucker right here. The watermelon and cucumber in this shit help soothe inflammation and the mint will keep your breath on point. FUCK IT. Splash some vodka in there if you want to take tomorrow off too.


    WATERMELON CUCUMBER SLUSHIE

    3 pounds of watermelon (seedless is best but some seeds are cool)

    ½ cup skinned, chopped cucumber

    juice from 1 lime (about 2 tablespoons)

    8-10 fresh mint leaves

    ¾ cup coconut or tap water

    1 teaspoon agave, maple syrup, or honey (optional)

    Cut away the rind and chop up the watermelon flesh into pieces no larger than a quarter. You should get about 4 cups. Don’t stress about some seeds, they will get chopped the fuck up in the blender. Just get rid of any big ones you notice. Freeze the chopped watermelon for at least 4 hours or overnight. The watermelon is going to create the slush factor so you want to make sure that shit really fucking frozen.

    When the watermelon chunks are frozen add them along with the cucumber, lime juice, mint leaves, and water to a blender and blend until it is all smooth and icy. If you picked out a shitty watermelon you might need to add a teaspoon of a sweetener to make up for the weak melon. Taste it, you’ll know. Trust.

    Had a rough day? Replace up to a ½ cup of the water with vodka and get the fuck over it.

    Makes about 2 ½ cups of sweet summer slush, enough for 2 people who need to chill the fuck out. Watermelon chunks will stay good in the freezer for at least a month no problem.

     

  6. Summertime is the best time for fruit but don’t limit that shit to only dessert. Grill up whateverthefuck looks good and throw it in a salad or on some grains. I tossed peaches in with some soy sauce and noodles because I just don’t give a fuck. That shit was delicious and I had leftovers for days. FUCK SHARING.

    GRILLED CHINESE FIVE SPICE PEACHES WITH COLD NOODLES

    12 ounces of dried thin noodles (You can use whatever you can find: Chinese egg noodles, spaghetti, or even udon)

    ¼ cup water

    2 tablespoons lemon juice

    2 tablespoons rice vinegar

    1 ½ tablespoons soy sauce or tamari

    1 ½ tablespoons toasted sesame oil

    1 inch piece of fresh ginger (scrap the skin off with a spoon)


    FOR THE PEACHES:

    2 fist sized peaches, ripe but not super soft

    1 tablespoon neutral tasting oil (I used grape seed)

    1 tablespoon lemon juice

    2 teaspoons Chinese Five Spice powder (Most grocery stores carry this shit. If you can’t find it or too fucking busy to look, just substitute with a little bit cinnamon and pepper on the peaches. It ain’t the same but it will do)

    a pinch of salt

    ½ - ¾ cup chopped watercress (If your store doesn’t have it, don’t fucking waste your time running around town. Just grab arugula, spinach, or even green onions would work)

    I don’t know what the fuck noodles you chose, so just cook that shit according the package directions. While that’s going, chop up the ginger into really small pieces so that you end up with 2 ½ tablespoons. Add the water, lemon juice, vinegar, soy sauce, sesame oil, and ginger to a small glass and mix that shit up. When the noodles are done cooking, drain them and rinse with cold water.

    Chop up the peaches into slices no bigger than an inch. You can leave the skin on because everybody needs more fiber in their fucking diet. I got about 12 slices out of each of my peaches. In a large bowl, mix together the oil, lemon juice, Chinese Five Spice powder, and salt. Throw the sliced peaches in there and make sure they get covered in that spice blend shit.

    Bring your grill to a medium-high heat and spray it with a little oil so the peaches don’t stick. Place the peaches on there for 45 seconds or so on each side. You don’t need to cook them, you just want some char marks on there because that looks pro. Grilling them also caramelizes the natural sugars in those motherfuckers making them slightly sweeter. Toss the noodles with the sauce you already made and add the watercress. Pile the grilled peaches on top and serve.

    Serves 4-6 or 1 with some enviable leftovers

    We made this dish for our friends over at Frank151