1. Want to torch your pumpkin like this one? Fuck yeah you do. Instructions and shit from last year HERE.

    HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE

     

  2. I REALLY DON’T GIVE A DAMN that you slept through breakfast. That’s no excuse to eat cold pizza wheneverthefuck you eventually drag your ass outta bed. You’re blurring meal times, nothing wrong with that. But don’t go wait in a fucking line at some pretentious restaurant that overcharges for breakfast food. Instead, cook up this filling motherfucker and give your stomach something worth waking up for. Grab a mimosa and BRUNCH LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.

    BREAKFAST TAMALE PIE

    RED SAUCE:

    1 ½ cups tomato sauce (don’t accidently grab pasta sauce, that would be fucking gross. This is just plain pureed tomatoes)

    1 cup vegetable broth

    3 cloves of garlic

    1 tablespoon chili powder

    ½ teaspoon cumin

    ½ teaspoon oregano

    dash of cayenne pepper

    salt to taste

    FILLING:

    1 small bell pepper

    1 small zucchini

    1 fist sized wax potato (a red, white, or yellow potato. Like what you would use in a potato salad)

    ½ a medium yellow onion

    1 jalapeño

    2 cloves of garlic

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    1/8 teaspoon salt

    1/8 teaspoon cumin

    1/8 teaspoon oregano

    juice of half a lime

    1 ½ cups cooked pinto or black beans

    POLENTA CRUST:

    6 cups of water

    2 cups of coarsely ground cornmeal (any cornmeal that says it is for polenta is cool here, just don’t grab any quick cooking shit)

    ¼ teaspoon salt

    ¼ teaspoon garlic powder

    1 tablespoon olive oil

     

    Heat the oven to 350 degrees F.

    Combine all the ingredients for the red sauce in a medium saucepan and bring it to a simmer. Taste and adjust the seasoning howeverthefuck want. I usually add more cayenne pepper because I can hang. Turn off the heat and set the sauce aside.

    Chop up the bell pepper, zucchini, potato, and onion into pieces no bigger than a bean. In a large skillet or wok, warm the oil over a medium heat and add the potato. Sauté for about 8 minutes or until the potato begins to soften up. If they start to stick to the pan, your instinct might be to add more oil but FUCK THAT. Just add some splashes of water instead. When the potatoes seem like they are on their way to being cooked, add the onions and cook them all for another 5 minutes. Now you have to multitask for a minute. Put a big pot filled with the 6 cups of water on the stove and bring it to a boil. You can forget about that shit until you hear it bubbling which will take a bit. Back to the main shit, add the bell pepper and zucchini to the skillet with the potatoes and onion. Cook for another 3-5 minutes. The potatoes should be getting soft by now. Chop up the garlic and jalapeno into small pieces and throw those in next. When you can start to smell the garlic, add the remaining spices, salt, lime juice, and beans. Stir that shit around. Now add a cup of the red sauce, stir, and taste that shit. You can add more garlic, sauce, or whateverthefuck you think it needs. Turn off the heat.

    Now your big ass pot of water should be boiling. Add the salt and slowly stir in the cornmeal. Bring the heat down low so that you get a bubble coming up only once and awhile. Stir it every couple of minutes until the mixture is nice and thick, about 15-20 minutes. If it starts getting too thick but it isn’t done, just add a little more water and keep cooking. Then add the garlic powder and oil right before that polenta is done cooking. Turn off the heat.

    Grab a baking dish (9”x13” or something close to that is fine) and lightly oil that fucker down so nothing will stick. Pour in about 2 ½ cups of the cooked polenta and spread that shit out as even as you can. Next, pile in the bean and potato filling but leave about a half inch free around the sides of the polenta. Pour a little more of the red sauce over the filling and cover all of that with the rest of the polenta. Cover the container with foil and bake for 20 minutes so that it all comes together like a savory tamale breakfast cake thing. Dope shit, right? Let it rest for about 5-10 minutes before cutting into it. Drizzle with the remaining red sauce and serve with avocado, cilantro, more jalapeños, salsa, tequila, whateverthefuck you are in to.

    I know some of you might be looking at these directions thinkin WHOA THAT LOOKS COMPLICATED AS FUCK. Calm. Your. Shit. This is an easy dish that you can even bake the night before and just warm it up before brunch the next day. Nobody will know the goddamn difference.

    Serves 6-8 people ready to brunch their asses off

    We made this special for our friends over at ASOS. Be sure to check their shit out.

     

  3. I’m so goddamn tired of seeing sweet potatoes being served under an inch of marshmallows and butter. EVERY. FUCKING. FALL. Don’t you realize there are vitamins in these naturally sweet sons of bitches? The beta-carotene in them alone will help keep your skin looking right and vision on point. What the fuck is the marshmallow fluff doing for you? NOT A GODDAMN THING.

    SWEET POTATO CHICKPEA WRAPS

    2 medium sweet potatoes, about 2 pounds

    1 medium onion, sliced

    3 cups cooked chickpeas or 2-15 ounce cans

    1 medium apple

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    2 tablespoons water or broth

    2 tablespoons lemon juice

    2 teaspoons tamari or soy sauce

    1 ½ teaspoons smoked paprika

    ¾ teaspoon dried thyme

    cayenne pepper to taste

     

    1 tablespoon olive oil

    2 teaspoons water

    pinch of salt

    tortillas (any kind you like, I don’t give a shit)

    Chop up the sweet potatoes into pieces about the size of a quarter. I keep the skin on them because I’m lazy as fuck but if you can’t hang, skin them sons of bitches. Place them in a steamer basket over a couple of inches of water on the stove and steam for about 15 minutes or until you can easily stab those fuckers with a fork. Turn off the heat and keep them covered.

    While the potatoes are steaming, slice the onion into strips. Warm up the 2 teaspoons of oil in a large skillet or wok over a medium-low heat and add the onions. Cook them until they start to brown, about 8 minutes. Mix together the water, lemon juice, and tamari in a small glass. Add the chickpeas to the onions, mix well, and then add that small glass of liquid you just fucking made. Cook for a minute or two until most of the liquid as evaporated. Add the herbs and spices and cook that shit for another minute. Turn off the heat.

    Put the steamed sweet potatoes in a large bowl and add the remaining oil, water, and salt. Gently mash. I usually keep it chunky because well, again, I’m lazy as fuck. So when you are done with the sweet potatoes, cut up the apple into little sticks. You can squeeze a little lemon juice on those bastards so they don’t brown. Now you are ready to wrap all that shit up. Smear some of the sweet potatoes on the tortilla, add the cooked chickpeas and onions, spinach or whatever greens you got, and some of the chopped up apple. Trust me on this shit. The apple adds a delicious fucking crunch. You could even add hummus to this motherfucker if you wanted. There are no rules in the wrap game. Wrap it up and enjoy. Don’t have tortillas for a wrap? You could throw all of this in a bowl with some rice or quinoa and go to town. Use what you got.

    Makes 4 big wraps

     

  4. YOU NEED TO EAT SOME GODDAMN BREAKFAST. Thug Kitchen and Cooking Comically teamed up to serve your ass some peach pancakes. We also wanted to say congratu-fuckin-lations to Tyler for his upcoming cookbook dropping October 1st. I can’t wait to read that shit.

     

  5. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE FUCKING WINNERS and thanks to everyone who sent in their crazy ass stories. We received a shitload of submissions. There were lots of other stories that were so good we’ll have to send y’all some shit even though we couldn’t post your drama. So keep an eye on your inbox.


    Didn’t win a goddamn thing? RELAX MOTHERFUCKER. We had such a great time with this contest that we are already thinking about the next one because y’all are some entertaining sons of bitches.

     

  6. Trying to feed a big ass crowd for the football game? DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH SOME CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY SODIUM SOUP. Serve your guests this gridiron grub and give those bastards protein, fiber, and a full stomach all on the cheap. Sneak some veggies in that motherfucker like zucchini, peppers, and carrots and nobody will taste the goddamn difference because you’re a nutritional ninja.

    BEAN & BEER CHILI

    1 medium onion

    2 medium bell peppers

    1 zucchini

    2 carrots

    4 cloves of garlic

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    4 tablespoons chili powder

    1 1/2 teaspoons cumin

    1 teaspoon oregano

    1 teaspoon smoked paprika

    ½ teaspoon salt

    1 cup of beer (I like to use a stout but use whateverthefuck you got)

    3 tablespoons tomato paste

    28 ounce can of diced tomatoes (check the label, avoid the fucking salt if you can)

    1 cup vegetable broth or water

    1 ½ cups of cooked or 1-15  ounce can of each: pinto, kidney, and black beans (you can use whatever beans you got but I like using 3 different kinds because variety is the shit)

    1 ½ cups hominy (precooked or canned) or corn kernels (optional)

    juice of ½ a lemon or 1 lime

    2 teaspoons of brown sugar (also fucking optional)

    Chop up the onion, bell peppers, zucchini, and carrots into pieces no bigger than a motherfucking bean. Dice up the garlic all small and shit. Grab a big ass pot and heat up the olive oil over a medium heat. Add the onions and cook them until they start to look a little brown, about 5-8 minutes. Add the bell peppers, zucchini, and carrots and cook for another 5 minutes. Add the garlic, chili powder, cumin, oregano, paprika, and salt and cook for another minute. By now, your whole place should start smelling good enough to make the fucking neighbors jealous. Add the beer, tomato paste, diced tomatoes, and broth then scrap any spice shit that started sticking to the bottom of the pot.  Let that all simmer together for 5 minutes. There should some beer left in the can, sip that shit while you’re waiting.

    Now add the beans (and the hominy if you opted for this dopeness). Stir everything and turn down the heat to medium low. Slap on a lid and let that simmer for about 30 minutes. Set a timer if your ass is easily distracted like me. After the 30 minutes, stir it around and if you still want a thicker chili take off the lid and let it simmer for another 10-15 minutes. When the chili looks legit by your standards, add the lemon juice then taste that motherfucker. Depending on the brand of tomatoes you got, you might need to add some brown sugar to balance the taste out. Taste again and see if it needs more chili powder or salt. Throw in some cayenne pepper if you like that shit hot. Serve warm and lay out some fresh toppings like red onion, jalapenos, and cilantro.  

    Makes one big fucking pot, enough to serve 6 people easy