1. PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CAN OPENER. Trust me on this shit. Just look at the sugar content in that canned cranberry crap THEN check the serving size. GODDAMN RIGHT?! You and your loved ones deserve better than that red ribbed corn syrup.

    HOMEMADE CRANBERRY SAUCE

    12 ounces of fresh or frozen whole cranberries (a little over 3 cups)

    ½ cup water

    ¼ cup orange juice (use the juice of one orange or straight outta the carton, your call I don’t give a fuck)

    3-4 tablespoons brown sugar

    1 lemon

    1 tablespoon bourbon (optional but I already know how you celebrate holidays)

    Take a sharp ass knife and cut a sliver of the skin off the lemon about the size and length of your pointer finger. Just try not to get too much of the white part underneath the yellow skin because that shit can be pretty fucking bitter. Add the lemon zest slice and the rest of the ingredients to a medium saucepan and bring them to a gentle simmer over a medium heat. If you like your sauce a little sweeter, add the extra tablespoon of sugar but this bitch will be nice and tart either way. You will hear the cranberries start to burst which might be fucking confusing but it’s fine. Calm your shit. Maybe sip some of that bourbon. Stir every now and then but you want to keep that motherfucker bubbling until most of berries have burst and the sauce is starting to thicken up, about 10-12 minutes. Pull out the piece of lemon zest and let the sauce cool before serving. It will get thicker as it cools. You can cut some more lemon zest and garnish that motherfucker. Make it look all fancy and shit. Your guests will be like “Damn. You see that zest?”

    Serves 4-6 as a sauce. Put it on whateverthefuck you want.

     

  2. GET THAT SOUPY GREEN BEAN SHIT OUTTA HERE. C’mon, anybody showing up with that casserole from a can didn’t even fucking try. How about something much tastier that packs some actual nutrition in it? Bring this bastard to Thanksgiving and nobody is going to ask you to do the goddamn dishes.

    ROASTED BRUSSELS SPROUTS WITH QUINOA AND CRANBERRIES

    1 ½ pounds of brussels sprouts

    1 tablespoon olive oil

    1 cup quinoa

    1 ¾ cup water

    pinch of salt

    1/3 cup toasted almonds

    1/3 cup dried cranberries (if you can’t find any, don’t fucking sweat it)

    ¼ cup chopped parsley

    1/8 teaspoon of salt

    pepper to taste

    DRESSING:

    2-3 cloves of garlic

    2 ½ tablespoons red wine vinegar

    2 tablespoons lemon juice (about 1 lemon)

    2 teaspoons Dijon mustard

    1 teaspoon olive oil

    Heat the oven up to 400 degrees. Tear off any fucked up lookin leaves on the brussels sprouts and chop them into quarters (or halves if they are little). Toss them with a tablespoon of olive oil and spread them out on a baking sheet. Roast those sons of bitches for 20 minutes, stirring half way, or until the sprouts are golden and kinda burnt in some places. Goddamn delicious. Just trust. Boiling these tiny cabbage-looking motherfuckers is a crime. ROAST OR GTFO.

    While that shit is going down, rinse the quinoa with some water so that it isn’t bitter when you cook it (yeah, you’re fucking welcome). Throw it in a medium pot with the water and pinch of salt and bring it to a boil over a medium heat. Turn the heat down to a simmer, cover that shit, and let it cook for about 15-20 minutes or until all the water is gone and the quinoa is tender. Turn off the heat. Chop up the garlic all small and throw it in a small glass with the rest of the ingredients for the dressing and mix well.

    When the sprouts are done, toss them in a bowl with the cooked quinoa and the dressing. Mix that shit so that everything is coated real well. Add the almonds, cranberries, parsley, salt, and pepper and mix again. Taste it and see if you need more salt or pepper or whatthefuckever you think is missing. Serve warm or at room temperature.

    Serves 4-6 as a side, double that shit and bring it to Thanksgiving if you feel like being a popular motherfucker

     

  3. Want to torch your pumpkin like this one? Fuck yeah you do. Instructions and shit from last year HERE.

    HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE

     

  4. I REALLY DON’T GIVE A DAMN that you slept through breakfast. That’s no excuse to eat cold pizza wheneverthefuck you eventually drag your ass outta bed. You’re blurring meal times, nothing wrong with that. But don’t go wait in a fucking line at some pretentious restaurant that overcharges for breakfast food. Instead, cook up this filling motherfucker and give your stomach something worth waking up for. Grab a mimosa and BRUNCH LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.

    BREAKFAST TAMALE PIE

    RED SAUCE:

    1 ½ cups tomato sauce (don’t accidently grab pasta sauce, that would be fucking gross. This is just plain pureed tomatoes)

    1 cup vegetable broth

    3 cloves of garlic

    1 tablespoon chili powder

    ½ teaspoon cumin

    ½ teaspoon oregano

    dash of cayenne pepper

    salt to taste

    FILLING:

    1 small bell pepper

    1 small zucchini

    1 fist sized wax potato (a red, white, or yellow potato. Like what you would use in a potato salad)

    ½ a medium yellow onion

    1 jalapeño

    2 cloves of garlic

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    1/8 teaspoon salt

    1/8 teaspoon cumin

    1/8 teaspoon oregano

    juice of half a lime

    1 ½ cups cooked pinto or black beans

    POLENTA CRUST:

    6 cups of water

    2 cups of coarsely ground cornmeal (any cornmeal that says it is for polenta is cool here, just don’t grab any quick cooking shit)

    ¼ teaspoon salt

    ¼ teaspoon garlic powder

    1 tablespoon olive oil

     

    Heat the oven to 350 degrees F.

    Combine all the ingredients for the red sauce in a medium saucepan and bring it to a simmer. Taste and adjust the seasoning howeverthefuck want. I usually add more cayenne pepper because I can hang. Turn off the heat and set the sauce aside.

    Chop up the bell pepper, zucchini, potato, and onion into pieces no bigger than a bean. In a large skillet or wok, warm the oil over a medium heat and add the potato. Sauté for about 8 minutes or until the potato begins to soften up. If they start to stick to the pan, your instinct might be to add more oil but FUCK THAT. Just add some splashes of water instead. When the potatoes seem like they are on their way to being cooked, add the onions and cook them all for another 5 minutes. Now you have to multitask for a minute. Put a big pot filled with the 6 cups of water on the stove and bring it to a boil. You can forget about that shit until you hear it bubbling which will take a bit. Back to the main shit, add the bell pepper and zucchini to the skillet with the potatoes and onion. Cook for another 3-5 minutes. The potatoes should be getting soft by now. Chop up the garlic and jalapeno into small pieces and throw those in next. When you can start to smell the garlic, add the remaining spices, salt, lime juice, and beans. Stir that shit around. Now add a cup of the red sauce, stir, and taste that shit. You can add more garlic, sauce, or whateverthefuck you think it needs. Turn off the heat.

    Now your big ass pot of water should be boiling. Add the salt and slowly stir in the cornmeal. Bring the heat down low so that you get a bubble coming up only once and awhile. Stir it every couple of minutes until the mixture is nice and thick, about 15-20 minutes. If it starts getting too thick but it isn’t done, just add a little more water and keep cooking. Then add the garlic powder and oil right before that polenta is done cooking. Turn off the heat.

    Grab a baking dish (9”x13” or something close to that is fine) and lightly oil that fucker down so nothing will stick. Pour in about 2 ½ cups of the cooked polenta and spread that shit out as even as you can. Next, pile in the bean and potato filling but leave about a half inch free around the sides of the polenta. Pour a little more of the red sauce over the filling and cover all of that with the rest of the polenta. Cover the container with foil and bake for 20 minutes so that it all comes together like a savory tamale breakfast cake thing. Dope shit, right? Let it rest for about 5-10 minutes before cutting into it. Drizzle with the remaining red sauce and serve with avocado, cilantro, more jalapeños, salsa, tequila, whateverthefuck you are in to.

    I know some of you might be looking at these directions thinkin WHOA THAT LOOKS COMPLICATED AS FUCK. Calm. Your. Shit. This is an easy dish that you can even bake the night before and just warm it up before brunch the next day. Nobody will know the goddamn difference.

    Serves 6-8 people ready to brunch their asses off

    We made this special for our friends over at ASOS. Be sure to check their shit out.

     

  5. I’m so goddamn tired of seeing sweet potatoes being served under an inch of marshmallows and butter. EVERY. FUCKING. FALL. Don’t you realize there are vitamins in these naturally sweet sons of bitches? The beta-carotene in them alone will help keep your skin looking right and vision on point. What the fuck is the marshmallow fluff doing for you? NOT A GODDAMN THING.

    SWEET POTATO CHICKPEA WRAPS

    2 medium sweet potatoes, about 2 pounds

    1 medium onion, sliced

    3 cups cooked chickpeas or 2-15 ounce cans

    1 medium apple

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    2 tablespoons water or broth

    2 tablespoons lemon juice

    2 teaspoons tamari or soy sauce

    1 ½ teaspoons smoked paprika

    ¾ teaspoon dried thyme

    cayenne pepper to taste

     

    1 tablespoon olive oil

    2 teaspoons water

    pinch of salt

    tortillas (any kind you like, I don’t give a shit)

    Chop up the sweet potatoes into pieces about the size of a quarter. I keep the skin on them because I’m lazy as fuck but if you can’t hang, skin them sons of bitches. Place them in a steamer basket over a couple of inches of water on the stove and steam for about 15 minutes or until you can easily stab those fuckers with a fork. Turn off the heat and keep them covered.

    While the potatoes are steaming, slice the onion into strips. Warm up the 2 teaspoons of oil in a large skillet or wok over a medium-low heat and add the onions. Cook them until they start to brown, about 8 minutes. Mix together the water, lemon juice, and tamari in a small glass. Add the chickpeas to the onions, mix well, and then add that small glass of liquid you just fucking made. Cook for a minute or two until most of the liquid as evaporated. Add the herbs and spices and cook that shit for another minute. Turn off the heat.

    Put the steamed sweet potatoes in a large bowl and add the remaining oil, water, and salt. Gently mash. I usually keep it chunky because well, again, I’m lazy as fuck. So when you are done with the sweet potatoes, cut up the apple into little sticks. You can squeeze a little lemon juice on those bastards so they don’t brown. Now you are ready to wrap all that shit up. Smear some of the sweet potatoes on the tortilla, add the cooked chickpeas and onions, spinach or whatever greens you got, and some of the chopped up apple. Trust me on this shit. The apple adds a delicious fucking crunch. You could even add hummus to this motherfucker if you wanted. There are no rules in the wrap game. Wrap it up and enjoy. Don’t have tortillas for a wrap? You could throw all of this in a bowl with some rice or quinoa and go to town. Use what you got.

    Makes 4 big wraps

     

  6. YOU NEED TO EAT SOME GODDAMN BREAKFAST. Thug Kitchen and Cooking Comically teamed up to serve your ass some peach pancakes. We also wanted to say congratu-fuckin-lations to Tyler for his upcoming cookbook dropping October 1st. I can’t wait to read that shit.