1. Looking for that perfect grocery bag? Not anymore.

    Check out Thug Kitchen’s new merch store. You’re fucking welcome.

     

  2. Today marks the beginning of the Lunar New Year, so what the hell are you cooking up? Grubbing on long noodles is believed to add longevity to your life and you’re going to need the extra luck to offset whatever dumbass plans you have with fireworks later. The fennel and ginger in here do fucking wonders for your digestion, there’s no celebration required to work those into your diet. So this year take control of your plate and leave the fireworks to the pros.

    WINTER VEGETABLE STIR FRY

    8 ounces of noodles (udon, somen, soba, spaghetti, rice noodles, whateverthefuck you want but the longer the better)

    1 ½ teaspoon neutral tasting oil  (like grapeseed, peanut, sesame, something flavorless. DO NOT grab TOASTED sesame oil, that’s different shit)

    1 large bulb of fennel

    2 medium carrots

    1 large bunch of kale

    1 ½ tablespoons of minced ginger

    4-5 cloves of garlic

    1 tablespoon soy sauce or tamari

    1 tablespoon seasoned rice vinegar

    1 tablespoon water

    1 ½ teaspoons orange juice

    1 teaspoon chili paste or Asian style hot sauce (optional)

    1 cup sliced green onions

    Cook the noodles according the package directions, rinse them under cool water, and set them aside. Slice up the fennel and carrots into thin matchsticks about an inch long. Remove the stem from the kale and slice it up into thin strips about the length and width of your finger. Mince up that garlic and ginger too since you’re already chopping shit up.

    In a large wok or skillet warm the oil over a medium-high heat. Add the fennel and carrots and stir fry until the vegetables begin to soften and char in some spots, about 4 minutes. Stir frequently. While that’s going down, mix together the tamari, vinegar, water, oj, and chili paste in a small glass.

    When the veggies in the wok are ready add the ginger, garlic, and kale. Mix those motherfuckers up and cook for another 30 seconds. Rinse the noodles again, shake off some of the excess water, and then add them to the wok. Turn down the heat to medium. Toss the noodles together with the vegetables and add the sauce. Cook for another 30 seconds just so the noodles get warm and the sauce gets cooked in. If it starts to look a little dry, calm the fuck down and add another tablespoon or two of water. Turn off the heat, fold in the green onions, and taste that shit. Add more vinegar, hot sauce, or a splash of tamari if you want. I don’t really give a shit how you customize your flavor. Serve hot and topped some more green onions.

    Serves 4 as a side

     

  3. It’s below freezing and you’ve been walking through people’s goddamn cough clouds all day. At this point, soup is fucking inevitable but don’t grab some condensed crap. Your body needs some vitamins, not a shitload of sodium. Roast up this bad motherfucker and elevate your soup game.

    ROASTED TOMATO SOUP

    1 28 ounce can of plain, peeled whole tomatoes (get one that is low on sodium, check that motherfucking label)

    3 teaspoons of olive oil

    4-5 cloves of garlic (still in their skin)

    1 medium russet potato

    1/2 a small head of cauliflower (about 1/3 pounds)

    1/2 a medium yellow onion

    1 tablespoon of diced fresh rosemary (if you need to use dried, use only 1 teaspoon)

    3/4 teaspoon dried thyme

    2 1/2-3 cups vegetable broth

    salt and pepper to taste

    Warm up your oven to 325 degrees and grab a rimmed baking sheet or big ass roasting pan. Pour 1 of the teaspoons of oil on the baking sheet and smear it around evenly to make sure nothing is going to fucking stick. Drain the tomatoes but save the juice in a separate glass, we’ll use that shit in a little bit. Slice the tomatoes in half lengthwise and place them cut side up on the baking sheet. Try to keep about 1/3 of the sheet empty for future veggies. Roll the cloves of garlic in the oil on the pan, and place them near the tomatoes. We want to leave the skin on the garlic so those little bastards roast and get all sweet. Add a small pinch of salt over the tomatoes and roast all that in the oven for 30 minutes. If you can’t remember to check the clock, set a timer. If you can’t do either then why the fuck are you in the kitchen with sharp objects?

    While the tomatoes are roasting, skin the potato and chop it, the cauliflower, and onion up into dime-sized pieces. You want to end up with around 1 cup of chopped potato, 1 1/4 cup chopped cauliflower, and 1 cup chopped onion. Toss them all together in a bowl with the remaining oil, rosemary, thyme, and a small pinch of salt and pepper. After the tomatoes have roasted for 30 minutes, add the seasoned vegetable mixture to the pan, spread it out as much as possible, and roast all that shit for another 30-40 minutes. You just want to make sure the potato and cauliflower are tender and a little golden in some spots. Take the pan out of the oven and let it cool for a couple minutes. Squeeze the garlic out of its skin; it should pop right out and smell fucking dope. Add the rest of the shit from the baking sheet and the roasted garlic to a blender and pour in the broth. Run it on high until the soup looks smooth. Pour all that into a pot on the stove, warm it over a low heat, and add the remaining tomato juice you saved from the can (it should be around 1/2 a cup). If you want a thinner soup, add the extra half cup of broth but I like it thick. Taste and add more salt, pepper, or herbs to get it right for you. Serve hot with some bread so you can mop your bowl clean when your spoon becomes fucking useless.

    Makes enough for 4 mugs or 2 regular bowls

     

  4. Hoppin’ John is not only a staple recipe for good fortune every New Year but it’s also a pretty solid fucking meal. Let’s put the superstitious shit aside for just a goddamn minute and appreciate the nutritional value of this savory son of a bitch. There’s enough protein and fiber in here to help you start the year off right. EAT BETTER. FEEL BETTER. FUCK LUCK.

    HOPPIN’ JOHN

    1 ½ cups dried black-eyed peas

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    1 yellow onion

    2 bell peppers (I used red and green but use whateverthefuck you like)

    3 ribs of celery

    2-3 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (these smoked peppers come packed in sauce and are sold in a tiny can at most stores near the salsa and beans. Trust me, it’s there, just fucking look.)

    2-3 cloves of garlic

    1 teaspoon dried thyme

    ½ teaspoon dried oregano

    ½ teaspoon paprika

    ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper

    2 bay leaves

    ¼ teaspoon salt

    3 cups of vegetable broth

    Rinse the black-eyed peas and throw out any grit or fucked up looking peas. Put the peas in a medium container and cover them with a couple inches of water. Let them soak overnight or for at least 6 hours. After they have soaked, drain the peas and start fucking cooking.

    Chop up the onion, bell peppers, and celery. In a large pot, warm up the olive oil over a medium heat. Add the onion and saute that shit until it starts to brown in some places, about 5 minutes. Add the bell peppers and celery and cook until they get a little soft, about 3 minutes. Take the chipotle peppers out of the can, cut them open and scrape out the seeds. These little bastards can be spicy, so taking out the seeds helps you keep that heat wherever the fuck you like it. If you prefer it hot then keep some of the seeds in. Keep all of the seeds if you want, I really don’t give a fuck. Chop up the chipotles and dice up the garlic real fine. Add both to the pot and stir all that shit up. Add the thyme, oregano, paprika, black pepper, bay leaves, and salt and cook for 30 seconds. Toss in the drained black-eyed peas and the broth and bring that shit to a simmer.

    Let it simmer uncovered until the peas are tender. This can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour depending on how long you soaked your peas and how old they are. If you start running out of broth before those are ready, add a little more broth or water. If the peas are tender and you’ve still got too much broth in there, just drain some of that shit off. Not a big fucking deal. Just check the seasoning when you are all done and add more herbs or spices if you think it needs it.

    Serve this seasonal standard over your favorite kind of rice, topped with some green onions, and with a side out sauteed greens for extra luck or some superstitious shit like that. I used long brown rice and some kale for greens but whateverthefuck you got is fine. You can even use a vinegar based hot sauce (like Tabasco) on that shit and take it to another level.  

    Serves 4

     

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  6. Last minute holiday shopping? FUCK ALL THAT NOISE. Why don’t you stay home and celebrate in style with some of these spicy sweet bastards? The sugar will keep you awake in case some son of a bitch tries sliding down your chimney in the middle of the night to pilfer your baked goods. NOT THIS YEAR, MOTHERFUCKER. 

    FROSTED GINGERBREAD BITES

    1 ½ cups flour (unbleached white, whole wheat, or a blend will work)

    2 teaspoons ground ginger

    1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

    ¼ teaspoon ground allspice

    1 teaspoon baking powder

    ½ teaspoon baking soda

    ½ cup brown sugar

    ½ teaspoon salt

    1 cup canned coconut milk

    ½ cup blackstrap molasses

    FROSTING DRIZZLE (optional)

    1 tablespoon coconut milk

    ¾ teaspoon lemon juice

    1/3 cup powder sugar, sifted

    Warm the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour an 8 x 8 baking pan and put a square of parchment paper at the bottom so this motherfucker won’t stick. Grab a medium bowl and dump in the flour, spices, baking powder, baking soda, sugar, and salt. Whisk all that shit around to get out any brown sugar clumps.

    In a small saucepan mix together the coconut milk and the molasses. Put it over a medium low heat until the mixture just starts to bubble on the edges. Slowly whisk the coconut milk mixture into the dry ingredients until there aren’t any more dry spots. The batter is going to be thick like a brownie batter but a little spongy. Calm the fuck down before you email me and just trust that shit is correct. Pour the batter into the baking pan and gently move it around so that it is mostly even. Bake for 25-30 minutes. An easy way to check if it’s done is to poke the middle of that motherfucker with a toothpick and if it comes out clean, it’s done.

    Once you see that shit is done, pull it out of the oven and let it cool for 10 minutes. Be sure to turn the oven off. Go check that shit right now, since we’re talking about it. Now you should be able to gently slide the cake out of the pan and let it finish cooling on a wire rack or plate or whateverthefuck you got. When it’s cool enough, cut it up into two-inch squares. If you want to frost that shit, I recommend doing it the day you serve the bites.

    FROSTING:

    Grab a small saucepan and gently warm the coconut milk at a low-medium heat for just about 15-30 seconds. You don’t want that shit boiling, just hot. Turn off the heat and whisk in the powdered sugar and lemon juice. If the frosting looks too thin, add a little more powdered sugar. Before it starts to harden, take a spoon and drizzle it over the cake. Crisscross the drizzle and make it look all fancy or just pour that shit on if you don’t give a fuck.

    Makes 16 cake bites