1. It’s below freezing and you’ve been walking through people’s goddamn cough clouds all day. At this point, soup is fucking inevitable but don’t grab some condensed crap. Your body needs some vitamins, not a shitload of sodium. Roast up this bad motherfucker and elevate your soup game.

    ROASTED TOMATO SOUP

    1 28 ounce can of plain, peeled whole tomatoes (get one that is low on sodium, check that motherfucking label)

    3 teaspoons of olive oil

    4-5 cloves of garlic (still in their skin)

    1 medium russet potato

    1/2 a small head of cauliflower (about 1/3 pounds)

    1/2 a medium yellow onion

    1 tablespoon of diced fresh rosemary (if you need to use dried, use only 1 teaspoon)

    3/4 teaspoon dried thyme

    2 1/2-3 cups vegetable broth

    salt and pepper to taste

    Warm up your oven to 325 degrees and grab a rimmed baking sheet or big ass roasting pan. Pour 1 of the teaspoons of oil on the baking sheet and smear it around evenly to make sure nothing is going to fucking stick. Drain the tomatoes but save the juice in a separate glass, we’ll use that shit in a little bit. Slice the tomatoes in half lengthwise and place them cut side up on the baking sheet. Try to keep about 1/3 of the sheet empty for future veggies. Roll the cloves of garlic in the oil on the pan, and place them near the tomatoes. We want to leave the skin on the garlic so those little bastards roast and get all sweet. Add a small pinch of salt over the tomatoes and roast all that in the oven for 30 minutes. If you can’t remember to check the clock, set a timer. If you can’t do either then why the fuck are you in the kitchen with sharp objects?

    While the tomatoes are roasting, skin the potato and chop it, the cauliflower, and onion up into dime-sized pieces. You want to end up with around 1 cup of chopped potato, 1 1/4 cup chopped cauliflower, and 1 cup chopped onion. Toss them all together in a bowl with the remaining oil, rosemary, thyme, and a small pinch of salt and pepper. After the tomatoes have roasted for 30 minutes, add the seasoned vegetable mixture to the pan, spread it out as much as possible, and roast all that shit for another 30-40 minutes. You just want to make sure the potato and cauliflower are tender and a little golden in some spots. Take the pan out of the oven and let it cool for a couple minutes. Squeeze the garlic out of its skin; it should pop right out and smell fucking dope. Add the rest of the shit from the baking sheet and the roasted garlic to a blender and pour in the broth. Run it on high until the soup looks smooth. Pour all that into a pot on the stove, warm it over a low heat, and add the remaining tomato juice you saved from the can (it should be around 1/2 a cup). If you want a thinner soup, add the extra half cup of broth but I like it thick. Taste and add more salt, pepper, or herbs to get it right for you. Serve hot with some bread so you can mop your bowl clean when your spoon becomes fucking useless.

    Makes enough for 4 mugs or 2 regular bowls

     

  2. Hoppin’ John is not only a staple recipe for good fortune every New Year but it’s also a pretty solid fucking meal. Let’s put the superstitious shit aside for just a goddamn minute and appreciate the nutritional value of this savory son of a bitch. There’s enough protein and fiber in here to help you start the year off right. EAT BETTER. FEEL BETTER. FUCK LUCK.

    HOPPIN’ JOHN

    1 ½ cups dried black-eyed peas

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    1 yellow onion

    2 bell peppers (I used red and green but use whateverthefuck you like)

    3 ribs of celery

    2-3 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (these smoked peppers come packed in sauce and are sold in a tiny can at most stores near the salsa and beans. Trust me, it’s there, just fucking look.)

    2-3 cloves of garlic

    1 teaspoon dried thyme

    ½ teaspoon dried oregano

    ½ teaspoon paprika

    ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper

    2 bay leaves

    ¼ teaspoon salt

    3 cups of vegetable broth

    Rinse the black-eyed peas and throw out any grit or fucked up looking peas. Put the peas in a medium container and cover them with a couple inches of water. Let them soak overnight or for at least 6 hours. After they have soaked, drain the peas and start fucking cooking.

    Chop up the onion, bell peppers, and celery. In a large pot, warm up the olive oil over a medium heat. Add the onion and saute that shit until it starts to brown in some places, about 5 minutes. Add the bell peppers and celery and cook until they get a little soft, about 3 minutes. Take the chipotle peppers out of the can, cut them open and scrape out the seeds. These little bastards can be spicy, so taking out the seeds helps you keep that heat wherever the fuck you like it. If you prefer it hot then keep some of the seeds in. Keep all of the seeds if you want, I really don’t give a fuck. Chop up the chipotles and dice up the garlic real fine. Add both to the pot and stir all that shit up. Add the thyme, oregano, paprika, black pepper, bay leaves, and salt and cook for 30 seconds. Toss in the drained black-eyed peas and the broth and bring that shit to a simmer.

    Let it simmer uncovered until the peas are tender. This can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour depending on how long you soaked your peas and how old they are. If you start running out of broth before those are ready, add a little more broth or water. If the peas are tender and you’ve still got too much broth in there, just drain some of that shit off. Not a big fucking deal. Just check the seasoning when you are all done and add more herbs or spices if you think it needs it.

    Serve this seasonal standard over your favorite kind of rice, topped with some green onions, and with a side out sauteed greens for extra luck or some superstitious shit like that. I used long brown rice and some kale for greens but whateverthefuck you got is fine. You can even use a vinegar based hot sauce (like Tabasco) on that shit and take it to another level.  

    Serves 4

     

  3.  

  4. Last minute holiday shopping? FUCK ALL THAT NOISE. Why don’t you stay home and celebrate in style with some of these spicy sweet bastards? The sugar will keep you awake in case some son of a bitch tries sliding down your chimney in the middle of the night to pilfer your baked goods. NOT THIS YEAR, MOTHERFUCKER. 

    FROSTED GINGERBREAD BITES

    1 ½ cups flour (unbleached white, whole wheat, or a blend will work)

    2 teaspoons ground ginger

    1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

    ¼ teaspoon ground allspice

    1 teaspoon baking powder

    ½ teaspoon baking soda

    ½ cup brown sugar

    ½ teaspoon salt

    1 cup canned coconut milk

    ½ cup blackstrap molasses

    FROSTING DRIZZLE (optional)

    1 tablespoon coconut milk

    ¾ teaspoon lemon juice

    1/3 cup powder sugar, sifted

    Warm the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour an 8 x 8 baking pan and put a square of parchment paper at the bottom so this motherfucker won’t stick. Grab a medium bowl and dump in the flour, spices, baking powder, baking soda, sugar, and salt. Whisk all that shit around to get out any brown sugar clumps.

    In a small saucepan mix together the coconut milk and the molasses. Put it over a medium low heat until the mixture just starts to bubble on the edges. Slowly whisk the coconut milk mixture into the dry ingredients until there aren’t any more dry spots. The batter is going to be thick like a brownie batter but a little spongy. Calm the fuck down before you email me and just trust that shit is correct. Pour the batter into the baking pan and gently move it around so that it is mostly even. Bake for 25-30 minutes. An easy way to check if it’s done is to poke the middle of that motherfucker with a toothpick and if it comes out clean, it’s done.

    Once you see that shit is done, pull it out of the oven and let it cool for 10 minutes. Be sure to turn the oven off. Go check that shit right now, since we’re talking about it. Now you should be able to gently slide the cake out of the pan and let it finish cooling on a wire rack or plate or whateverthefuck you got. When it’s cool enough, cut it up into two-inch squares. If you want to frost that shit, I recommend doing it the day you serve the bites.

    FROSTING:

    Grab a small saucepan and gently warm the coconut milk at a low-medium heat for just about 15-30 seconds. You don’t want that shit boiling, just hot. Turn off the heat and whisk in the powdered sugar and lemon juice. If the frosting looks too thin, add a little more powdered sugar. Before it starts to harden, take a spoon and drizzle it over the cake. Crisscross the drizzle and make it look all fancy or just pour that shit on if you don’t give a fuck.

    Makes 16 cake bites


     

  5. Yeah it’s cold as fuck outside but that’s no reason to
    fight over the thermostat. Instead, head to the kitchen and
    regulate your body temperature with this toasty toddy. GRAB A BIG ASS BLANKET AND POUR YOURSELF A GODDAMN HUG IN A MUG.

    GRAPEFRUIT HOT TODDY

    2 cups of water

    2 bags of black tea

    ½ cup fresh grapefruit juice (about 1 grapefruit)

    2 shots of bourbon

    1 tablespoon maple syrup (whatever liquid sweetener you got
    will do)

    2 cinnamon sticks (totally fucking optional)


    Bring the water to a boil on the stove with a kettle or
    whateverthefuck else you use. In a large measuring glass or
    heat-safe pitcher add the grapefruit juice, bourbon, maple
    syrup, and cinnamon sticks. When the water is boiling, pour
    it into the pitcher, add the tea bags, and cover that
    motherfucker to keep it warm while the flavors mix. Let the
    tea steep for 3 minutes. Take out the tea bags and cinnamon
    sticks and serve that shit immediately.


    Makes 2 drinks or one big ass cup of comfort

     

  6. MMM MMM, MOTHERFUCKER. This slick ass side dish should keep everyone’s mouths stuffed without all the sodium in those shitty stovetop mixes. Don’t fuck around with that bland boxed bullshit because if everyone is sitting around the table chatting during Thanksgiving dinner, SOMEONE FUCKED UP.

    HERB AND MUSHROOM STUFFING

    9 cups diced, stale bread (about 1 medium loaf of crusty bread)

    2 sweet onions, slightly larger than your fist

    2 large ribs of celery

    8 ounces of mushrooms (button mushrooms, cremini, or whateverthefuck you can find at the store is fine)

    1 ½ tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary

    2 teaspoons dried thyme

    3-4 cloves of garlic

    1/8 teaspoon salt

    pepper to taste

    1/3 cup white wine (you can use broth if you don’t have wine)

    1 cup vegetable broth

    2 tablespoons olive oil, divided

    juice of 1 lemon (about 3 tablespoons)

    Cut up the bread into cubes no bigger than a bottle cap. I used a combo of sourdough and whole-wheat loaves because that is just the shit I had available at the time. Use whateverthefuck you want. Just make sure it’s stale as a motherfucker, almost like croutons. You could cut it up the day before to speed up the staleness. If your bread is too soft, toss that shit in the oven around 250 degrees and stir it around every 10 minutes while you cut up the veggies. In about 20 minutes the bread should be choice.

    Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Lightly oil a 9 by 13 baking dish and set that shit aside. Chop up the onions, celery, and mushrooms so that all the pieces are about the size of a chickpea. You wanna aim for about 3 cups of chopped onions, 1 ½ cup chopped celery, and 2 ½ cups chopped mushrooms. In a skillet or wok heat up the first tablespoon of olive oil over a medium heat and sauté the onions for about 3 minutes or until they look translucent and shit. Add the celery and mushrooms and cook for another 5 minutes until all the veggies start getting soft. Add the herbs, garlic, salt, and pepper and cook for another minute. Add the white wine and let all that shit simmer for 4 more minutes so the flavors can all mix together. Turn off the heat.

    In a big ass bowl, add all the veggies and liquid from the skillet to the bread and mix it all together. Pour the vegetable broth and the remaining 1 tablespoon of olive oil over the whole thing and mix that shit up good so that everything is coated. Pour all that into the baking sheet. Cover that with foil and bake it for 20 minutes. Your place will start smelling pretty fucking dope. After 20 minutes, remove the foil, gently stir that shit around, and bake it for another 10-12 minutes until there are some crispy parts. Take it out, add the lemon juice over the whole thing, mix it up, and taste. Add more thyme, salt, pepper, whatever you need to get it right by you. Serve warm.

    Serves 4-6 people as a side