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  2. Last minute holiday shopping? FUCK ALL THAT NOISE. Why don’t you stay home and celebrate in style with some of these spicy sweet bastards? The sugar will keep you awake in case some son of a bitch tries sliding down your chimney in the middle of the night to pilfer your baked goods. NOT THIS YEAR, MOTHERFUCKER. 

    FROSTED GINGERBREAD BITES

    1 ½ cups flour (unbleached white, whole wheat, or a blend will work)

    2 teaspoons ground ginger

    1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

    ¼ teaspoon ground allspice

    1 teaspoon baking powder

    ½ teaspoon baking soda

    ½ cup brown sugar

    ½ teaspoon salt

    1 cup canned coconut milk

    ½ cup blackstrap molasses

    FROSTING DRIZZLE (optional)

    1 tablespoon coconut milk

    ¾ teaspoon lemon juice

    1/3 cup powder sugar, sifted

    Warm the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour an 8 x 8 baking pan and put a square of parchment paper at the bottom so this motherfucker won’t stick. Grab a medium bowl and dump in the flour, spices, baking powder, baking soda, sugar, and salt. Whisk all that shit around to get out any brown sugar clumps.

    In a small saucepan mix together the coconut milk and the molasses. Put it over a medium low heat until the mixture just starts to bubble on the edges. Slowly whisk the coconut milk mixture into the dry ingredients until there aren’t any more dry spots. The batter is going to be thick like a brownie batter but a little spongy. Calm the fuck down before you email me and just trust that shit is correct. Pour the batter into the baking pan and gently move it around so that it is mostly even. Bake for 25-30 minutes. An easy way to check if it’s done is to poke the middle of that motherfucker with a toothpick and if it comes out clean, it’s done.

    Once you see that shit is done, pull it out of the oven and let it cool for 10 minutes. Be sure to turn the oven off. Go check that shit right now, since we’re talking about it. Now you should be able to gently slide the cake out of the pan and let it finish cooling on a wire rack or plate or whateverthefuck you got. When it’s cool enough, cut it up into two-inch squares. If you want to frost that shit, I recommend doing it the day you serve the bites.

    FROSTING:

    Grab a small saucepan and gently warm the coconut milk at a low-medium heat for just about 15-30 seconds. You don’t want that shit boiling, just hot. Turn off the heat and whisk in the powdered sugar and lemon juice. If the frosting looks too thin, add a little more powdered sugar. Before it starts to harden, take a spoon and drizzle it over the cake. Crisscross the drizzle and make it look all fancy or just pour that shit on if you don’t give a fuck.

    Makes 16 cake bites


     

  3. Yeah it’s cold as fuck outside but that’s no reason to
    fight over the thermostat. Instead, head to the kitchen and
    regulate your body temperature with this toasty toddy. GRAB A BIG ASS BLANKET AND POUR YOURSELF A GODDAMN HUG IN A MUG.

    GRAPEFRUIT HOT TODDY

    2 cups of water

    2 bags of black tea

    ½ cup fresh grapefruit juice (about 1 grapefruit)

    2 shots of bourbon

    1 tablespoon maple syrup (whatever liquid sweetener you got
    will do)

    2 cinnamon sticks (totally fucking optional)


    Bring the water to a boil on the stove with a kettle or
    whateverthefuck else you use. In a large measuring glass or
    heat-safe pitcher add the grapefruit juice, bourbon, maple
    syrup, and cinnamon sticks. When the water is boiling, pour
    it into the pitcher, add the tea bags, and cover that
    motherfucker to keep it warm while the flavors mix. Let the
    tea steep for 3 minutes. Take out the tea bags and cinnamon
    sticks and serve that shit immediately.


    Makes 2 drinks or one big ass cup of comfort

     

  4. MMM MMM, MOTHERFUCKER. This slick ass side dish should keep everyone’s mouths stuffed without all the sodium in those shitty stovetop mixes. Don’t fuck around with that bland boxed bullshit because if everyone is sitting around the table chatting during Thanksgiving dinner, SOMEONE FUCKED UP.

    HERB AND MUSHROOM STUFFING

    9 cups diced, stale bread (about 1 medium loaf of crusty bread)

    2 sweet onions, slightly larger than your fist

    2 large ribs of celery

    8 ounces of mushrooms (button mushrooms, cremini, or whateverthefuck you can find at the store is fine)

    1 ½ tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary

    2 teaspoons dried thyme

    3-4 cloves of garlic

    1/8 teaspoon salt

    pepper to taste

    1/3 cup white wine (you can use broth if you don’t have wine)

    1 cup vegetable broth

    2 tablespoons olive oil, divided

    juice of 1 lemon (about 3 tablespoons)

    Cut up the bread into cubes no bigger than a bottle cap. I used a combo of sourdough and whole-wheat loaves because that is just the shit I had available at the time. Use whateverthefuck you want. Just make sure it’s stale as a motherfucker, almost like croutons. You could cut it up the day before to speed up the staleness. If your bread is too soft, toss that shit in the oven around 250 degrees and stir it around every 10 minutes while you cut up the veggies. In about 20 minutes the bread should be choice.

    Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Lightly oil a 9 by 13 baking dish and set that shit aside. Chop up the onions, celery, and mushrooms so that all the pieces are about the size of a chickpea. You wanna aim for about 3 cups of chopped onions, 1 ½ cup chopped celery, and 2 ½ cups chopped mushrooms. In a skillet or wok heat up the first tablespoon of olive oil over a medium heat and sauté the onions for about 3 minutes or until they look translucent and shit. Add the celery and mushrooms and cook for another 5 minutes until all the veggies start getting soft. Add the herbs, garlic, salt, and pepper and cook for another minute. Add the white wine and let all that shit simmer for 4 more minutes so the flavors can all mix together. Turn off the heat.

    In a big ass bowl, add all the veggies and liquid from the skillet to the bread and mix it all together. Pour the vegetable broth and the remaining 1 tablespoon of olive oil over the whole thing and mix that shit up good so that everything is coated. Pour all that into the baking sheet. Cover that with foil and bake it for 20 minutes. Your place will start smelling pretty fucking dope. After 20 minutes, remove the foil, gently stir that shit around, and bake it for another 10-12 minutes until there are some crispy parts. Take it out, add the lemon juice over the whole thing, mix it up, and taste. Add more thyme, salt, pepper, whatever you need to get it right by you. Serve warm.

    Serves 4-6 people as a side

     

     

  5. PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CAN OPENER. Trust me on this shit. Just look at the sugar content in that canned cranberry crap THEN check the serving size. GODDAMN RIGHT?! You and your loved ones deserve better than that red ribbed corn syrup.

    HOMEMADE CRANBERRY SAUCE

    12 ounces of fresh or frozen whole cranberries (a little over 3 cups)

    ½ cup water

    ¼ cup orange juice (use the juice of one orange or straight outta the carton, your call I don’t give a fuck)

    3-4 tablespoons brown sugar

    1 lemon

    1 tablespoon bourbon (optional but I already know how you celebrate holidays)

    Take a sharp ass knife and cut a sliver of the skin off the lemon about the size and length of your pointer finger. Just try not to get too much of the white part underneath the yellow skin because that shit can be pretty fucking bitter. Add the lemon zest slice and the rest of the ingredients to a medium saucepan and bring them to a gentle simmer over a medium heat. If you like your sauce a little sweeter, add the extra tablespoon of sugar but this bitch will be nice and tart either way. You will hear the cranberries start to burst which might be fucking confusing but it’s fine. Calm your shit. Maybe sip some of that bourbon. Stir every now and then but you want to keep that motherfucker bubbling until most of berries have burst and the sauce is starting to thicken up, about 10-12 minutes. Pull out the piece of lemon zest and let the sauce cool before serving. It will get thicker as it cools. You can cut some more lemon zest and garnish that motherfucker. Make it look all fancy and shit. Your guests will be like “Damn. You see that zest?”

    Serves 4-6 as a sauce. Put it on whateverthefuck you want.

     

  6. GET THAT SOUPY GREEN BEAN SHIT OUTTA HERE. C’mon, anybody showing up with that casserole from a can didn’t even fucking try. How about something much tastier that packs some actual nutrition in it? Bring this bastard to Thanksgiving and nobody is going to ask you to do the goddamn dishes.

    ROASTED BRUSSELS SPROUTS WITH QUINOA AND CRANBERRIES

    1 ½ pounds of brussels sprouts

    1 tablespoon olive oil

    1 cup quinoa

    1 ¾ cup water

    pinch of salt

    1/3 cup toasted almonds

    1/3 cup dried cranberries (if you can’t find any, don’t fucking sweat it)

    ¼ cup chopped parsley

    1/8 teaspoon of salt

    pepper to taste

    DRESSING:

    2-3 cloves of garlic

    2 ½ tablespoons red wine vinegar

    2 tablespoons lemon juice (about 1 lemon)

    2 teaspoons Dijon mustard

    1 teaspoon olive oil

    Heat the oven up to 400 degrees. Tear off any fucked up lookin leaves on the brussels sprouts and chop them into quarters (or halves if they are little). Toss them with a tablespoon of olive oil and spread them out on a baking sheet. Roast those sons of bitches for 20 minutes, stirring half way, or until the sprouts are golden and kinda burnt in some places. Goddamn delicious. Just trust. Boiling these tiny cabbage-looking motherfuckers is a crime. ROAST OR GTFO.

    While that shit is going down, rinse the quinoa with some water so that it isn’t bitter when you cook it (yeah, you’re fucking welcome). Throw it in a medium pot with the water and pinch of salt and bring it to a boil over a medium heat. Turn the heat down to a simmer, cover that shit, and let it cook for about 15-20 minutes or until all the water is gone and the quinoa is tender. Turn off the heat. Chop up the garlic all small and throw it in a small glass with the rest of the ingredients for the dressing and mix well.

    When the sprouts are done, toss them in a bowl with the cooked quinoa and the dressing. Mix that shit so that everything is coated real well. Add the almonds, cranberries, parsley, salt, and pepper and mix again. Taste it and see if you need more salt or pepper or whatthefuckever you think is missing. Serve warm or at room temperature.

    Serves 4-6 as a side, double that shit and bring it to Thanksgiving if you feel like being a popular motherfucker