1. Hoppin’ John is not only a staple recipe for good fortune every New Year but it’s also a pretty solid fucking meal. Let’s put the superstitious shit aside for just a goddamn minute and appreciate the nutritional value of this savory son of a bitch. There’s enough protein and fiber in here to help you start the year off right. EAT BETTER. FEEL BETTER. FUCK LUCK.

    HOPPIN’ JOHN

    1 ½ cups dried black-eyed peas

    2 teaspoons olive oil

    1 yellow onion

    2 bell peppers (I used red and green but use whateverthefuck you like)

    3 ribs of celery

    2-3 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (these smoked peppers come packed in sauce and are sold in a tiny can at most stores near the salsa and beans. Trust me, it’s there, just fucking look.)

    2-3 cloves of garlic

    1 teaspoon dried thyme

    ½ teaspoon dried oregano

    ½ teaspoon paprika

    ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper

    2 bay leaves

    ¼ teaspoon salt

    3 cups of vegetable broth

    Rinse the black-eyed peas and throw out any grit or fucked up looking peas. Put the peas in a medium container and cover them with a couple inches of water. Let them soak overnight or for at least 6 hours. After they have soaked, drain the peas and start fucking cooking.

    Chop up the onion, bell peppers, and celery. In a large pot, warm up the olive oil over a medium heat. Add the onion and saute that shit until it starts to brown in some places, about 5 minutes. Add the bell peppers and celery and cook until they get a little soft, about 3 minutes. Take the chipotle peppers out of the can, cut them open and scrape out the seeds. These little bastards can be spicy, so taking out the seeds helps you keep that heat wherever the fuck you like it. If you prefer it hot then keep some of the seeds in. Keep all of the seeds if you want, I really don’t give a fuck. Chop up the chipotles and dice up the garlic real fine. Add both to the pot and stir all that shit up. Add the thyme, oregano, paprika, black pepper, bay leaves, and salt and cook for 30 seconds. Toss in the drained black-eyed peas and the broth and bring that shit to a simmer.

    Let it simmer uncovered until the peas are tender. This can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour depending on how long you soaked your peas and how old they are. If you start running out of broth before those are ready, add a little more broth or water. If the peas are tender and you’ve still got too much broth in there, just drain some of that shit off. Not a big fucking deal. Just check the seasoning when you are all done and add more herbs or spices if you think it needs it.

    Serve this seasonal standard over your favorite kind of rice, topped with some green onions, and with a side out sauteed greens for extra luck or some superstitious shit like that. I used long brown rice and some kale for greens but whateverthefuck you got is fine. You can even use a vinegar based hot sauce (like Tabasco) on that shit and take it to another level.  

    Serves 4

     

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  3. Last minute holiday shopping? FUCK ALL THAT NOISE. Why don’t you stay home and celebrate in style with some of these spicy sweet bastards? The sugar will keep you awake in case some son of a bitch tries sliding down your chimney in the middle of the night to pilfer your baked goods. NOT THIS YEAR, MOTHERFUCKER. 

    FROSTED GINGERBREAD BITES

    1 ½ cups flour (unbleached white, whole wheat, or a blend will work)

    2 teaspoons ground ginger

    1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

    ¼ teaspoon ground allspice

    1 teaspoon baking powder

    ½ teaspoon baking soda

    ½ cup brown sugar

    ½ teaspoon salt

    1 cup canned coconut milk

    ½ cup blackstrap molasses

    FROSTING DRIZZLE (optional)

    1 tablespoon coconut milk

    ¾ teaspoon lemon juice

    1/3 cup powder sugar, sifted

    Warm the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour an 8 x 8 baking pan and put a square of parchment paper at the bottom so this motherfucker won’t stick. Grab a medium bowl and dump in the flour, spices, baking powder, baking soda, sugar, and salt. Whisk all that shit around to get out any brown sugar clumps.

    In a small saucepan mix together the coconut milk and the molasses. Put it over a medium low heat until the mixture just starts to bubble on the edges. Slowly whisk the coconut milk mixture into the dry ingredients until there aren’t any more dry spots. The batter is going to be thick like a brownie batter but a little spongy. Calm the fuck down before you email me and just trust that shit is correct. Pour the batter into the baking pan and gently move it around so that it is mostly even. Bake for 25-30 minutes. An easy way to check if it’s done is to poke the middle of that motherfucker with a toothpick and if it comes out clean, it’s done.

    Once you see that shit is done, pull it out of the oven and let it cool for 10 minutes. Be sure to turn the oven off. Go check that shit right now, since we’re talking about it. Now you should be able to gently slide the cake out of the pan and let it finish cooling on a wire rack or plate or whateverthefuck you got. When it’s cool enough, cut it up into two-inch squares. If you want to frost that shit, I recommend doing it the day you serve the bites.

    FROSTING:

    Grab a small saucepan and gently warm the coconut milk at a low-medium heat for just about 15-30 seconds. You don’t want that shit boiling, just hot. Turn off the heat and whisk in the powdered sugar and lemon juice. If the frosting looks too thin, add a little more powdered sugar. Before it starts to harden, take a spoon and drizzle it over the cake. Crisscross the drizzle and make it look all fancy or just pour that shit on if you don’t give a fuck.

    Makes 16 cake bites


     

  4. Yeah it’s cold as fuck outside but that’s no reason to
    fight over the thermostat. Instead, head to the kitchen and
    regulate your body temperature with this toasty toddy. GRAB A BIG ASS BLANKET AND POUR YOURSELF A GODDAMN HUG IN A MUG.

    GRAPEFRUIT HOT TODDY

    2 cups of water

    2 bags of black tea

    ½ cup fresh grapefruit juice (about 1 grapefruit)

    2 shots of bourbon

    1 tablespoon maple syrup (whatever liquid sweetener you got
    will do)

    2 cinnamon sticks (totally fucking optional)


    Bring the water to a boil on the stove with a kettle or
    whateverthefuck else you use. In a large measuring glass or
    heat-safe pitcher add the grapefruit juice, bourbon, maple
    syrup, and cinnamon sticks. When the water is boiling, pour
    it into the pitcher, add the tea bags, and cover that
    motherfucker to keep it warm while the flavors mix. Let the
    tea steep for 3 minutes. Take out the tea bags and cinnamon
    sticks and serve that shit immediately.


    Makes 2 drinks or one big ass cup of comfort